Anniversary Waltz: The Worst Songs, Ever

It seems like a fitting moment to draw together a bunch of posts that date back almost to the beginning. When I was sitting in a MacDonald's in Somerville, Mass, being assaulted, as one can only be in a fast food emporium, with bad Bryan Adams, I never intended for the thing to take on a life of its own. Over time, I've come to appreciate the effort, energy, and passion behind The Worst Song Ever. It's work, you suffer for it (and through it)... but that glimmer of recognition, the "yes, oh my God, do you hate that too?" moments of shared loathing... these are the things that connect us, bring us together. As only listening to the worst songs can. :)

To honor my third anniversary... the playlist so far. While we began with an idea of ranking them... that never quite happened (and I blame you - because you were supposed to vote, and you never did. Yes, I mean all of you). So, in lieu of actual rankings, we have them in random, but numbered, order. They're all bad. Why pick? 

And who knew we had so many?

To kick things off... let's add one more:

1. Boston, Amanda. I thought I already did. But as it turned out, I always promised, but never delivered. And there's just so much here - there's the soppiest of bad lyrics ("I'm gonna say it like a man, and make you understand... Amanda". Run, girl, run), there's the bad power rock Boston always represented... and then there's the fact that this was Boston reuniting and attempting a comeback... as if we'd ever missed them to begin with (and yes, I like "More Than A Feeling"... but it's hardly essential). Thanks to the reunion and a zealous record promotion department, Amanda came to stay on pop radio, and wouldn't leave... for months, and months. Thankfully, because Boston isn't taken too seriously, this no longer clogs up classic rock radio, and because Boston is too rock for today's soft pop stations... it tends to miss the mix "of the eighties, nineties... and today!" blather of Lite radio, too (remember... this is worst song ever... not worst Radio Station ever). Let's hope it stays in music purgatory... but it probably won't. And now... on with the countdown...
2. Starship, We Built This City. Of course.
3. Morris Albert, Feelings. Whoa, whoa, whoa... no seriously. Whoa.
4. Starship, Sara. "Storms are brewing in your eyes"... is that even physically possible?
5. Gerardo, Rico Suave. "I eat 'em raw, like sushi..." nuff said.
6. Justin Timberlake, Sexyback. Whether it left or not is not the issue. It's because the man who brought the sexy, you child, is Prince.
7. Madonna featuring Timbaland and Justin Timberlake. Four Minutes. And you can't bring sexy back to her, either.
8. Madonna, American Pie. The destruction of the best pop song, ever.
9. Beyonce, Deja Vu. Of a number of not tuneful, not songs she's managed to shake into the top ten, this one is especially incoherent.
10. Cascada, Evacuate The Dance Floor. Stop, this song is killing me.
11. Aaron Carter, Oh Aaron. Oh dear.
12. Plain White T's, Hey There Delilah. Run, baby, run. Don't ever look back.
13. Plain White T's. 1-2-3 (I Love You). Don't worry... be happy.
14. Feist, 1 2 3 4.
15. Nickelback, If Today Was Your Last Day. If only.
16. Gillian Welch, I Wanna Sing That Rock And Roll. Then, go.
17. Miley Cyrus, The Climb. There's always gonna be another ballad...
18. Kool and the Gang, Celebration. Shome On.
19. Wang Chung, Everybody Have Fun Tonight. For forced frivolity, not "everybody wang chung tonight."
20. Black Eyed Peas, I Gotta Feeling. Whoo-hoo.
21. Hall and Oates, Maneater. Sexism, in its pure form.
22. Kings of Leon, Use Somebody. ...rather than... assault somebody's ears.
    
23. Air Supply. Every Woman in the World. N'est ceci mi fantasie.
24. Aerosmith, Don't Want To Miss a Thing. Oh, but I do.
    
25. A Fine Frenzy, Almost Lover.
26. Laura Branigan, How Am I Supposed To Live Without You.
27. Feist, So Sorry.
28. Ray Parker, Jr., Gohstbusters.
29. Michael Jackson featuring Siedah Garrett, I Just Can't Stop Loving You. Try. Please.
30. Michael Damian, Rock On.
31. Rick Springfield, Don't Talk To Strangers. 
32. Bryan Adams, Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman. ... Really? Have You? Ever? Really Really?
33. Simple Minds, Don't You Forget About Me. Because it's my list, and I loathe it. And I'm not too keen on Breakfast Club, either.
34. Earth Wind and Fire, That's The Way of the World. Hearts of fire... create love desire... oh God, I'm going to be sick.
35. Michael Bolton, How Am I Supposed To Live Without You.
36. A Fine Frenzy, Near To You.
37. Neko Case, I Wish I Was The Moon.
38. Eric Clapton, Wonderful Tonight.
39. Bob Seger, We've Got Tonight. Let's make it end... let's find a way.
    
40. Neil Young, After The Gold Rush. And no, I don't hate all Neil Young... I'm sure there's something...
41. Def Leppard, Love Bites.
42. Calexico and Charlotte Gainsbourg, Just Like A Woman.
43. Toto, Rosanna.
44. Corinne Bailey Rae, Daydreamin'.
45. Diana Ross. I Will Survive. I was petrified, too.
46. Barbra Streisand. Woman in Love.
47. Mariah Carey, Obsessed.
48. Marcia Griffiths, Electric Boogie. A/K/A The Electric Slide.
49. Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton, We've Got Tonight.
50. Manheim Steamroller, Deck The Halls. A reminder that we probably need a Chrstmas special Worst Song List.
51. The Honeydrippers, Sea Of Love. I do not hate all supergroups... but most of them.
52. Sergio Mendes, Never Gonna Let You Go (Joe Pizzulo and Leza Miller, vocals)
53. Tommy James and the Shondells, Mony Mony. Because really, you have to be drunk to not notice how dumb this is.
54. Billy Idol, Mony Mony. Because as bad as the original is, when Billy Idol says "I want to ride the pony"... you know it's not a horse. And... ew.

If you made it this far... man, you're devoted. Now, nominate some more. This can't be all of them. :) How about we finish up this anniversary party with The Macarena? Come ion... who's wth me? :)

Comments

[jinb]

Though it is indeed your list, I'm going on the record as officially protesting Simple Minds' "Don't You Forget About Me." It's got a beat you can dance to and the Breakfast Club is not nearly as bad as Pretty in Pink.

As for the Macarena, how can you not celebrate (and Madonna's Celebration should be on the list for the same reason Kool and the Gang and Wang Chung Are - I demand you celebrate!) that homage to promiscuity:

"Like what was I supposed to do? He was out of town and his two friends were soooooooooo fine!"

[weboy]

The Macarena is not on the list. In part... because you like it so much. :)

I appreciate that Simple Minds causes dissension... I stand by my choice. :)

"Come join the party... it's a celebration, tonight I want to party with you..." I'd argue that Madonna's idea of a celebration is more relaxedl, less of a command than an invitation, and celebrates... the universal. It harks back to her best dancefloor invitations - that we are all stars, that when we come together (figuratively and literally) in every nation, it's a beautiful thing. I agree.

[zach]

Rob Thomas - Let's see how far we've come

YES - Roundabout

any song by paramore

coldplay - viva la vida

just to name a few

[jinb]

4 words

Coward. of. the. county.